enter my thoughts :)

wala akong magawa kaya gagawa na lang ako ng isang makabuluhang napapanahong komentaryo:

ok, sino pa kayang tao dito sa Pilipinas ang hindi nakakaalam sa katrina-hayden kho scandal… araw-araw ay halos nasa tv, dyaryo, radyo, internet, tsismis… the issue is so “sizzling hot” (borrowing dr. hayden’s comment to katrina in one of the videos) that everyone has something to say. nakakatawa nga kasi, the authorities will say “wag niyo na pong tangkilikin o panoorin ang mga ganitong klaseng video”, eh sila nga i’m sure napanood din nila, nyahaha.

pero sa tingin ko, ang dapat sisihin sa pagkalat ng videos na ito ay hindi ang mga taong nanaood dito o namirata/ nagpakalat nito… kundi ang media, sino pa nga ba!? tama bang ipangalandakan sa front page ng newspapers (PDI in yesterday’s ish) at sa national TV prime time news programs ang snapshots (prinint screen ata) ng sex videos na siempre ginawang blurred para hindi ma-MTRCB at para kunyari wholesome pa rin. hindi nga ba ang tao, hindi tumatangkilik ng isang bagay kung hindi naman niya ito nakikita (what do you think are the advertisements/ patalastas for). so ngayon, dahil sa nakita ng tao sa tv at newspaper na talagang may video nga, eh ang tendency, mas lalo niya itong tatangkilikin. hello, simpleng logic. dapat hindi na nila (tv and print) papakita ang mga blurred pictures na yan. these only tickle the imagination of the viewers/ readers. these only arouse the interest of the audience. nakakainis. ay oo nga pala, siempre human interest ito, mas mabebenta sa tao mga ganitong issue kaya todo sakay ang media.

ito pa isang nakakainis, bakit nga ba mas uunahin pa ng mga Senators na pag-ukulan ng time (at privilege speech) ang mga ganitong issue. duh. you are not helping katrina and the other women or children na naabuso umano sa mga kalaswaang ganito. mas lalo lang adding insult to injury. puwede ba, manahimik na alng kayo at gumawa na lang ng batas (against internet porno, sex videos and the like…) at ipatupad; at hindi mag-aantay ng human interest stories/ issues na sasakyan niyo lang. para tuloy mas lumalabas kayong tsismoso kesa sa amin eh.

katrina, hindi ko pa napapanood ang sex video mo. wala naman akong access dun. yun nga lang, nagka-LSS na ako sa Careless Whisper na yan. hehe.

Got addicted to this commercial. Rolling on the floor laughing especially sa scene na kumakain ung bata. ang kyuuuuuut! Sa mga hindi nakakaalam, the kid is a 4-year old girl; her name is cha-cha cañeta, mainstay ng Goin’ Bulilit.

Bulilit bulilit
Sanay sa masikip
Kung kumilos kumilos
Kay liit liit.
Bulilit
Kung kumilos
Kay liit liit.

some random thoughts for the week:

• i am dying to see x-men origins: wolverine on big screen. bakit kasi ala matinong sinehan dito sa cotabato city. tuloy kelangan ko pang dumayo ng davao city. ang tanong kelan? at worth it bang bumiyahe ng limang oras para lamang makita ang adamantium ni Logan?
• was speechless when i heard juday’s wedding march. “Runaway” is my dream wedding march! waah naunahan ako. sad. tsk tsk.
• so happy with minilyrics (tnx poi). puwede ko nang sabayan ang mediaplayer. ahehe. instant videoke sa pc.
• i so love katy perry’s “Thinking of You”. and the video, galing. The Notebook ang effect. tried so hard to play the song in the guitar. TH kaayo ;(
• speaking of gitara, bumalik interes ko to learn. promised a friend to teach him the basics. ahaha, di lang nahiya, di naman magaling, magtuturo na.
• my cellphone doesn’t work! heck, have no plans of buying a new one pa naman…
• i am addicted to Facebook’s quizzes. mas nakikilala ko sarili ko. nalaman ko na ako talaga ay may multiple personality disorder at ang superpower ko ay telepathy at ang 6th sense ko ay clairvoyance! haha.
• my supervisor said today that i am her answered prayer. shucks. natakot tuloy ako. baka madisappoint siya at pagsisihan nyang ipinagdasal niya akong makasama sa work. i hate disappointing people pa naman. it disappoints me!
• tuwang-tuwa ako ke aling dionesia, hehe. loves to see her on TV and read her in the news (bumile ako ng damit para isuksok ko sa bertdey ko…). i know a very funny tsismis about her, haha.
• may nickname na ako para sa future pamangkin ko if ever babae siya - ARWEN from Arkhe and Wendy’s name. cool diba? ung princess ng Elven sa LOTR.
• missed billiards! tama, yayayain ko si best next week.
• parang gus2 ko ulit magkeep ng diary. marami kasi mga bagay na gusto ko isulat na hindi puwede dito sa blog… secrets, hmmm.
• for me, there is nothing wrong with martin’s rendition of Lupang Hinirang. sorry NHI, pero oa lang kau. tama, mas importanteng feel na feel mong pinoy ka habang kinakanta niya un. I love martin’s statement: “i sang it like it was the last song i’ll ever sing”. hahay, you can never please everybody jud.
• one of my boardmates teases me of being “swerte sa lovelife”. aw. knock on wood! hehe (basi mabuyagan).
• Kiko Machine and Pugad-Baboy comics strips are my everyday comic relief providers. officemates always say “katawa lagi ka?” since di ko napipigilang humagighik sa sobrang babaw na humor (note to myself: buy KM comic books).
• 

yehey, pwede ko nang i-declare na officially tapos na ang summer season ng 2009 kasi i was able to go for a summer getaway with my barkada last april 25-26 @ walang-kamatayang Samal Island sa Davao ;). Sadly though, from twelve girls who usually spend summer together, we were down to only four this year. 1/3 na lang pwedeng gumala, nakatali na iba eh, hehe (next summer holidays, let us bring our kids and hubbies together, para makumpleto nman tayo, wahaha).

exactly ten years ago today, someone that is a big part of me bid her final farewell. she was only 42 years old. she was a teacher by profession but decided to leave her family in 1992 to work as a domestic helper in hongkong and taiwan. in december 1998, she finally went home for good and supposedly in june 1999, she will resume her teaching career. her former school and her former colleagues were already waiting for her.

but it never happened. once again she bid farewell. but this time, there will never be reunions, there will never be coming back home, there will never be balikbayan boxes, there will never be an Editha Salcedo Buyco Hilario again.

ten years…but the pain is still there. grabe, ansakit pa rin. as i am writing this, i couldn’t stop the tears to trickle down my cheeks; ansikip ng dibdib ko. ten years of crying alone, ten years of secretly wiping my tears that freely flow down my cheeks whenever i remember her in public, ten years of dreaming of her and waking up crying. ten years of wishful thinking that she is still alive. ten years… but I do still hope that someone will pinch me or punch me and wake me up from the nightmare…

april 10, 1999. our family’s on the way to mamang’s hometown where a fiesta awaits us. i still remember the last conversation we had inside that car; mamang was asking me if i do like bsbiology (I was in my first year of college then); she was worried that i was only pressured to enroll in that course since they didn’t let me enroll at davao city and pursue bsmasscom. i just shrugged and kept quiet and mom just told me ‘puwede ka pa rin naman magshift kung gusto mo”…

…and then i woke up in a hospital bed. puzzled and nauseous, i looked around the room and saw macoy in a chair beside me. i asked him the obvious, “nasaan ako?”, “nasa ospital kayo”, “anong nagyari?”, “nadisgrasya kayo”, “ha? nasaan sina papang?”, “nasa kabilang kwarto”, “ah ok”…then retreated to sleep, not the slightest idea that that the accident we’ve met was so tragic it would change our lives forever. it must be the drugs they gave me that i couldn’t remember how many hours or days i have fallen asleep. when I woke up again, it was Nanay (mamang’s mother) i saw beside my bed. i noticed that we were in another room and that there were many people inside that room, mamang’s sisters and some relatives. when Nanay suddenly burst into tears, i asked her, “bakit?”, “Wala na mama niyo…”. it took me a while to comprehend just what she said and just stared blankly at her. i only started crying when the people in the room started to cry.

of all my siblings, it was our youngest whom we last broke the sad news of mamang’s death. he was asking us one time if where is mamang and why is she not visiting us in the hospital. fighting back tears, i lied and told him that mamang returned to taiwan to work so we can pay for our hospital bills. but weeks after and still in the hospital, together with my siblings, we finally told him that mamang already left us. “Anong iniwan?”, “Iyon ngang nasa ilalim na siya ng lupa”. i did not need explain further because ige already cried. We all cried. (wait, break muna, umiiyak na naman ako…)

mamang missed my college graduation; she could have seen me finish my bsbiology degree although I did not like it from the start. she even missed my debut which we were planning months ahead before the accident. she told me, “ako magtatahi ng gown mo” and showed me the fabric she will use. but then there was no gown; and the fabric remained as it is. sadly, i did not have a chance to bond with mamang very well. she was abroad for more than six years and she was away even before i started reaching puberty; she was not there when i had my first mens and my brothers teased me when i started crying when i saw the blood on my shorts. mamang was away most of the time during the special and awkward moments of my life. but i did not blame her for that. i never questioned why she need to work as a domestic helper when in fact she is a teacher. i used to think that mamang and i were not closed and that it is my kuya that she is fond of the most. but it was okay for me, because i believed that papang is also more fond of me than my kuya. quits lang.

today i wonder how does mamang looks like when she is still alive. she will be 52 years old by then. is she strict? I remembered her being masungit. would i be working in NGOs if she is still alive? she must have advised me to follow her profession. would i be married by now? baka hindi un papayag na umabot ako ng 27 na hindi pa nag-aasawa. would she also be blogging just like arkhe and me? mamang’s a good writer and i believe that i got the skills from her. if she is still alive, would i tell her my secrets? would i tell her my heartaches? would she cope for those years that she missed during my adolescence? would we bond like no other mag-ina does? a lot of endless questions; i know arkhe, macoy, denden and ige also have theirs…

Ten years… but i still ask God why…

i remembered this anecdote about my first LRT ride experience. The memory still makes me chuckle

I am a fifth grader then and went with my father to Manila who attended a convention. We will be riding an LRT that day and Pap gave me the token/coin he bought from the booth so we can pass by the gate. Since it was my first time, i was very clueless; i didn’t know what to do with the token and looked at the teller behind the booth. She must have read through my ignorance innocence and simply said “ihulog mo“. The very obedient young girl that i am, i mindlessly dropped the token right on the floor! Yay, everyone around me laughed; Pap immediately picked up the token while explaining my ignorance to the teller “pasensya na, first time kasi”.

(Eh sabi kasi ihulog, eh di hinulog ko sa sahig, wahahaha. Dapat complete instruction: ihulog mo sa butas, lol).

wala lang, trip ko lang i-show off this collage i made from different pictures i took of my stuffed toys, some knicknacks and cartoon figures. I love it! It’s my current desktop wallpaper, wahaha. Thanks to Adobe Photoshop and PhotoScape hehe

in the picture: 2 Stitch i found in ukay-ukay, a sylvester chair cover, miniature parasols for cocktail drinks, shells from siargao, some stuffed toys that are crowding in the closet, some cartoon figures (donkey, dory, chicken little, a penguin from surf’s up, boo and sully) i collected, the “berkz” pen holder my berks gave me, and the wooden “abigail” i bought in Intramuros. Yeah, because i am an artist am a vandal, my name was written all over my closet door using my glow-in-the-dark glue pen. lol.

Gradweyt na si bunso, sa wakas. Sa papilay-pilay nyang pamamaraan (literally and figuratively), ay nagawa niyang magtapos ng BS CompSci at mag top sa klase. Hehe congratz E! We are proud of you. Mamang is also proud of you. Ang bunso nya gradweyt na. Sayang lang, she won’t see you receive your college diploma (kagaya nang hindi niya rin nakita ang pagtanggap nmin ng diploma ni Arkhe at Macoy, sniff…(at talagang isiningit>).

Goodluck with your plans. Yeah, the juice was worth the squeeze, sabi nga ni macoy. Pero wala ka man lang orginality, un tagline ni macoy nung grumadweyt xa eh. Nyahaha. Anyway huwag muna mag-asawa, paunahin mo muna ako, harhar ^^

this afternoon, i brought home an expanded envelope bulging with papers that needed my attention. i am supposed to work tonight, i promised my supervisor to finish consolidating the pre-tests and post-tests, that started piling up early last year even before i got in the project, and submit the report on tuesday. but then i don’t feel like doing it. i still can’t get over the petty fight i had with Best just this afternoon. it is about a digicam i asked him to buy for me (i’ve finally moved on and accepted the reality that my old dear Canon has to retire). But Best bought me the wrong one! the specs and the design are right though, but hell, the color is so wrong! he got me a pink digicam! i got so pissed off i wanted to cry. all the while i was imagining a bloody red digicam (whatever model/brand i did not care) as agreed; but everything went blurry when he texted me he got pink instead. ouch. sigh… okay, i am not really against pink. but can i have a powder blue instead? anything but pink. pink is not just so right for me especially for a camera that i will bring with me everyday. whew. my best told me it was a best buy for the price and the function. huh, tell that to the marines. alright. i won’t complicate things anymore. i just wished i could spray pylox all over the cam and repaint it with the color i really liked…

the pink one

the red one

yeah, i know, the pink one looks more classy and looks really better. but my stubbornness refuses to give in (as of this moment). i don’t care about the class, the better look. for me, the color is what counts the most. the pink one is so girly and kikay, it is not me. yeah, i am so particular with my things that even the shallowest detail matters. Shallow details make me shallow, urgh.

but i must admit, i haven’t seen yet the camera my Best bought. i may love it or hate it more. so for now (as i promised him), i will keep my mouth shut.

♥

p.s. thank you pa rin best, for the effort…

Happy 53rd birthday to my Pap today!!!

Sana humaba pa buhay mo pang, as in, yung makita mo pa mga apo mo sa tuhod (harhar, apo nga wala pa, toink. let’s just pray na matuloy na ung ke wendy at arkhe, hehe). We yab yu. Salamat sa lahat.

from ABCDE Hilarious

see his Bday celebrationlast year (ansaya nun!)

Since i wrote that blog on exorcising negativity, the phrase has been my mantra for almost twenty days now and vowed to continue using it until not a single negativity resides my body and soul. In all fairness, i think exorcising the negativity in me was successful in my first three weeks because i am feeling that life has become simpler and lighter Work and school are now easier to manage. Life indeed become friendlier. My negativity is synonymous with worries, stress, whines, hates, dreads, complains; but these words were alien to me for the past twenty days. Not that i became passive during those days but i just learn to let negative things - that i know would drench my soul if i ponder on them - pass through. Thank God.

Because i said in my previous blog that i would write a part two of the things i am thankful for, now here they are :)… (warning: i’ve written mostly about myself here, pardon me if i get too braggish).

• Me as an NGO worker. I am so thankful that fate brought me into this career path. I am particularly proud of my NGO roots (and the people i worked with) which until now kept me grounded and humbled me enough on what a true-blooded community development worker really is. Penetrating the NGO Community in Cotabato City brought a minor culture shock to me. Comparison from my past to present is endless. And this is what i realized: I will never trade the colorful (a lot of rainbows and a lot of black) experiences i gained from my previous NGO works to a four-digit per diem you can spend a lot of pastil (Muslim delicacy) with or to a pajero that can comfortably (minus dust and smoke) bring you to the community. Nothing beats the habal2 (improvised motorcycle that can carry up to 5 passengers) or the rural buses a.k.a sardine cans, harhar.
• Me as a frustrated an artist. Lol. I want to say frustrated since for my 27 years of existence, I have not yet brought into this world any obra maestra that can attest to my claim as an artist. lol. I do claim that i am an artist. If loving colors, envying great artists, trying on arts, hobbies and crafts, flipping through architectural digest and interior design magazines, doodling on papers, frequenting photos/paint exhibits make you an artist, then i am. And oh, if receiving an award as a School Artist and winning poster/slogan making contests in elementary make you An Artist, then yeah, i really am! Lol. I am thankful for this talent, sans obra maestra. I am thankful for my inclination to arts, that i get to appreciate life and this world in different hues!
• Me as a writer. I can write yeah, but not as good as my favorite writers and columnists . But I still thank God i can. A few is gifted with a talent to write. And i prided myself that although there are things i still need to learn in proper writing, i can write my thoughts down, anywhere, anyhow. Oh well, maybe God knows that i am generally shy and will lose in any oral debates, so He gave me the power to write. I kinda more like it, since writings can be immortalized. This blog entry will forever roam the cyberworld if bits and bytes permit One comment on my writing i would never never forget is this: “If i will have to get somebody to write a children’s book, it will be you”. Honestly, i did not understand what she meant, even until now. But i took it as a compliment, nonetheless. Hehe.
• Me as a student. Not all people are given the chance to go back to school, not even through distance learning. But i am. Through UP’s open university, i get to pursue a Diploma in (drum rolls…) Environment and Natural Resources Management. Hehe. I do not dream to replace Secretary Atienza, not ever. But i do dream to have a share in saving our Mother Earth. And i thought that by enrolling in this course will be the first step to realizing that dream. Thank God that I have managed to get over four hurdles este subjects and still have four to go. I hope that by then, i have already started a campaign that has helped in reducing the carbon emissions that contribute to global warming. Or something like that. Because global warming is a global problem that needs global actions, my contributions would be just a speck in the universe. But i say, at least. Our planet earth has other alarming issues aside from Global Warming, what else do you know? What are you doing aside from sitting on your butt and complaining how hot the climate is or how dirty your surrounding is? What??!! (…and the campaign has started).
• Me being me. There is so much to be thankful to God for making me into who i am now. I am farrrrrrrr from perfect, but i am no nobody. It once entered my mind that i have a mild condition of schizophrenia, with a split personality disorder that is. But of course, i am just trying to be cute (not that schizophreniacs are cute) and scientific. Anyway I am trying to say is that despite the unstable personality that i believe i have, majority of the people in my circle still love me or like me. Ahehe. After all, i am a nice person. Thank God

Admittingly, exorcising the negativities in me is so hard to sustain. Especially that for everyday in my life at the moment, i have to endure pesky colleagues, and damn office systems. But still, I am thankful that i have been trying…

Now, close your eyes and inhale positivity (for whatever that means hehe).

From now on, i will be writing here only the good things. Rants and whines and negativities do not deserve a space here in my blog anymore. I used to believe that i am a positive person and that i always see the good sides in every situation. But having reflected on my attitude after reading an ex-colleague’s/friends blog, i concluded that i am after all, a negative person.

I always complain about school and work. I always complain that i have truckloads of assignments and quizzes which after all is always my fault why they piled into truckloads when in fact, right at the beginning of the semester, the questions are already given to us. And that every night of my life, i only stared at the sets of questions and crammed one hour before deadlines.

I always complain about work and some of the people i work with. When in fact i should be thankful that i am meeting a lot of people each day, earning friends, learning new experiences. No matter how irritating people are, i should be thankful that i am learning from them, learning to lengthen my patience, that is.

So for this entry, i will write things that i am thankful for everyday of my life (it ain’t original i know but still want to do it, hehe

• Best. he is the ever-patient, ever-loving, ever-always-there boyfriend- bestfriend. For nine years, he never left my side despite shooing him away many times. Maybe God has answered an innocent prayer from ten years ago.
• The Hilarious. we lose our mom ten years ago, we quarreled, we shouted at each other, my family is far from perfect. but thank God for them. We will always be hilarious, lovin’ life, sharing jokes over dinner, arguing over trivial facts, fighting over a videoke mic.. (and the list of good things goes on…).
• Magic 12. my best girlfriends. fourteen years of friendship and counting. Some i know since elementary and kinder. we do not see each other often anymore - careers, husbands and kids “prohibit” us from doing so - but in our hearts, we are always the same high school girls who love to giggle, laugh our hearts out, share secrets, play shatong at school.
• Arfs. magic’s best boy-friends. with them, we lose our innocence, in a good sense. they showed us a wider world, the reality of life. we did not need join frats to share brotherhood/sisterhood. boys will always be boys. but us to them, they can make exceptions.

(continued…at andami ko pala tlgang bagay na ipinagpasalamat at kelangang two entries hehe)