enter my thoughts :)

You are Strength

Courage, strength, fortitude. Power not arrested in the act of judgement, but passing on to further action, sometimes obstinacy.

This is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion’s hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden’s steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion’s mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. With strength you can control not only the situation, but yourself. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one’s personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.

(This is cool. I’ve taken this Tarot Card test a year ago, and got the same result as above).

I promised myself that i would start blogging for extra income when our project ends in October 2008. But since i got a new job in November (which was fortunate of me), i forgot all about blogging. My world started to spin around another B - basura. But since i get to read my childhood friends’ blogs, who do blog for income, i get envious. So here goes the itch again, yay.  Once again started to promise myself to really start blogging this January. Funny, because i already listed all the things (internet bills, boarding house…) that i would pay for from my blogging income. haha, counting the chicks from unhatched eggs. Also, i already listed possible names for my site and thought of a concept. Since it would be my first dotcom, my own domain name, i wanted it to be special (sans the hosting fees of course).  Oh ha, best laid plans.

But after ate Lyn and Carol gave me some tips on how to actually start blogging for income, i came to realize as i sit infront of my pc that i am too lazy to write. Huhhumm… With my work that would drain the hell out of you, i would rather lie down in bed, stare at my monitor or change my friendster layout. So now i wonder how can i sustain my site if that would be my attitude. The advertisers might not pay me for a lousy job. Waha. But swear, i still wanna blog to to earn. Maybe i just need to start (buy a domain name i guess), then eventually, i’ll get used to it - the actual writing, blog hopping, looking for ads (what do you call those?), exchanging links (repeat until fade…). Shucks, i still have a lot to learn with the blog lingo. Whew.

I envy carol and ate lyn since they can write for up to three or more blog entry a day. very prolific bloggers, huh. i wonder how much they earn a day, hehe. And my kuya too, he can manage to blog almost everyday, even after an exhausting day’s work. Well i guess i should get rid of the takaw-tulog me and the mañana habit indulgence and get my butt to start blogging for a cause (my own cause…).

Sa Aug. 5 na pla pipirmahan ang "peace agreement" between our good government and the MILF sa KL, Malaysia.

Heto ang tingin ko:

Magsasayang lng sila ng pamasahe, food at lodging at honorarium ng lahat ng pupunta dun. Magsasayang lng sila ng effort, ng boses, ng venue decors, ng presensya.

Magsasayang lng sila ng papel at photocopies na ipapamudmod sa press/bisita.

Magsasayang lng sila ng rolyo at batteries ng camera para sa photo op at video.

Magsasayang lng sila ng ink ng ballpen/signpen/fountain pen na gagamitin sa pagpirma sa agreement a.k.a "MOA on Ancestral Domain".

What’s in a hurry kc? As far as i know, ang MILF ay grupong tumiwalag from MNLF kc hindi nameet ang demands nila during the first peace agreemnt, at ngaun, ano na nman kayang loose command ang mabubuo kpag may demands na hindi mameet. I just watched on TV patrol na umaalma ang MNLF kc may mga provison sa MILF-GRP agreemnt na naapakan ang provision sa MNLF-GRP agreement. Hay naku, ang gobyerno, nagpromise sa MILF ng mga bagay na ibinigay na sa MNLF, hello? at ito pa, nagpromise na nman sila, eh di pa nga natutupad lahat ng prvisions from the previous agreement. Ouch.

When i was at GRP-CCCH (Coordinating Committee on the Cessation of Hostilities, which directly links with MILF-CCCH), i have read a protion of the MNLF-GRP peace agreement. At nakakalula xa. Ngaun, sa "MOA on Ancestral DOmain", mas nakakalula, at nakakatakot (khit parte pa lng ang nababasa ko). Pwd ba na ang gobyerno ang tumira sa mindanao at ang mga tagaMindanao ang tumira sa Malacañang? Tingnan natin kung gugustuhin nu pang lagdaan agad ang peace agreemnt, huh. 

Ito na lng masasabi ko, Lord/Allah/Bathala - kau na ang bahala (sana lumindol sa KL pra ma-postpone ang signing, wahaha, seflish. Joke lng po).

Di po ako well-conversed pagdating sa bagay na ito but my one-month experience in GRP-CCCH opened me to some realities of the conflict in Mindanao and the peace talks/peace process. Alam nman natin na may peace agreement na napirmahan between MNLF at GRP, but what now? where are we now?  Nasan na ang peace na pinag-agree-han? At ngaun, ang MILF-GRP Peace Agreement. COme on, sino niloloko nu? Hilaw pa ang bunga ay pinipitas nu na. Ano, lalagyan nu ng karburo pra mahinog? Anong lasa nyan? Hay, emo ako ngaun. Seyoso pa.

Peace nway.

just had my 27th bday (urgh). still single. but with 12 kids, and counting (urgh again). a dozen kids! Kids that are not my own but look at me as their second mom. Echuz! Kunyari lng. Their moms thought that i’m gonna be a good influence to their sons and daughters, haha. i am the fairest-of-’em-all godmother of 12 cutie, witty, malikot, makulit na mga bata. And this blog entry would be my reminder of who they are. My future reference. Haha. Baka kc makalimutan ko na sila pg mahigit na ako 50 at mahigit na rin sila 50 in numbers. Wow. Ang yaman ko.

Anyway, i’m gonna list their names here with their ages na huhulaan ko lng ang iba hehe. I lost track of the other’s bdays too, sorry children.

1. Mairel/Tam-tam, 8, girl (Davao City) - anak ng college classmate ko na si Roy (at Joy). Siya pinakapanganay sa lahat ng inaanak ko.

2. Avril Scott, 6, girl (Kabacan) - sosyal ang name, anak ng barkada ko na si raymund (at Anamarie).

3. Kenisha at si 4. Kaycee, 4 and 5, girls (Kabacan) - mga anak ng barkada kong si mylene (at jerome).

5. John Lloyd, 3, di batid ang gender, haha (South Cotabato) - my aunt’s son, pinsan ko na inaanak ko.

6. Gen Rev, 1, girl (Mawab) - the alpha and omega! hehe, grabeng name. anak ng barkada kong si michael (at jasmine).

7. Eurik Andrea, 4, girl (Kabacan) - anak ng echusang si ate Sarrah Jane Corpuz (at Kuya Eurik).

8. Shekinah Jayne, 3, girl (Butuan) - anak ng mga ofcm8s kong sina ate Jane at Boyet.

9. Megan, 3, girl (Davao City) - anak ng ofcm8 kong si Ibyang (at Eric).

10.Kirby Paul, 3, boy (Gen. San) - anak ng ofcm8 kong si Grazie (at Paul).

11. Samantha, 1, girl (Kabacan-Gen. San) - anak ng college classm8 kong si Karl (at Noreen).

12. Michael (?), 4, boy (Kabacan) - anak ng dati nming kasambahay na si ate Judith.

Ayun. Sana, sana wala ako nakalimutan. At sana balang-araw pg yumaman mga batang ito ay di nila ako kakalimutan, hehe. Mga inaanak, ako ninang nyo. Meri Krismas. Ano gift ko? Haha, nanghingi.

update: 13. Macy,1, girl (Panabo). anak ni ernelyn, one of my college best-friends.

or just a plain katamaran.

i wonder ano magiging resulta ng assignments ko lalo na sa article reviews.

writer’s block. mind freeze.

sa loob ng mahigit isang buwang panahon, ay nag-iwan ako ng 2 days pra simulan  at tapusin ang dapat kong simulan at tapusin.

magaling, magaling.

invisible. disappear.
sana puwede ko gawin ito dahil ako ay nasa state of cramming na, dam’mit!

wahuhu.

zzzzzzz……

(ay nakatulog…)

I paid more or less 10,000 pesos just to have a student pass (SP) when i ride public transportations.

Sa mahal ng pamasahe galing San Franz, Agusan del sur pauwi ng Davao o ng Kabacan, i find ways para makatipid.

One is not going home regularly. Not going home regularly means going home every one month. Huhu.

Anyway the 10,000 pesos i paid is for my online study/distance learning. As a student, i acquire a school ID. Having aschool ID now entitles me to a student pass when a ride busses to and fro my work. Hahaha.

At least may 10% discount sa bus at jeep. Masakit na kasi sa bulsa ang fare increase. Hahaha. Ilang 10% kaya ang kailangan ko para mabawi ko ang 10,000 na tuition ko?

Biro lang po. All i want to say tlaga is - i am back to school! Hahaha. (Applause. Applause.) I am in my first semester pa lang with 6 units (2 subjects). So far, i am excited and still curious. I already have an assignment of 27 essays. Medyo easy pa kc nasa libro nman lahat and i have the internet to help me out in my research for additional info.

Ewan lang sa susunod pa na assignments. Baka pigain ko na lang utak ko para makapag-sip ng tamang isusulat.

Shit. I need to piga my brain talaga (ala Ruffa diction). Kasi sayang ang tution! Mas mahal pa kesa sa bigas at sa gasolina at sa pamasahe.

Again, buti na lang may SP na ako. (Haha, grabeng koneksyon).

When I die (which by the way, I hope matagal-tagal pa un, Lord), these are the things I want to happen (or else mumultuhin ko kau pag di nu sinunod last wishes ko! Brace yourself, weeh! Not in particular order, though:

1. NEVER take a picture/photo/ snapshot/video, and the likes, of my dead body. Reason: Ayaw ko ngang may remembrance sa akin na patay na. Ayaw kong pagbukas ng album ko ay patay na mukha/katawan ko ang makikita ng tao.

2. Ayaw ko na i-embalsamuhin ako. Siempre, para hindi bumaho ay cremation dapat gawin sa katawan ko (tipid pa ng kabaong). Reason: Ayaw ko na makita na mga tao na ako ay bangkay na at away kong maalala ng mga pamilya at kaibigan ko ang patay kong mukha. I want them to remember ung itsura ko nuong buhay pa. At as a belief na rin. Wala nmang sinabi sa Bibliya/Koran na ang tao ay iniembalsamo.

3. Ung urn ko ang bale ibuburol. Pupunuin ang background ng lahat ng masasayang pictures ko na nakaframe o tarp (magdemand ba?).

4. Dapat normal ang aking burol. Ibig sabihin ay may kape, sugal, the usual scene. It should only last for one week unless may inaantay pa.

5. White balloons should also be placed behind my urn. Reason: Wala lng, paepek lang.

6. Dapat may background music, lahat ng paborito kong kanta. Anything. Mapamellow man o rock. Just play them during my wake, wag naman malakas ang volume puro solemn kunyari.

7. Maganda cguro if there is a slide show of my pictures, nakaLCD projector, nasa tabi ng urn. Showing starts the time I died. Then unti-unti akong magpapakita… Hehe atik lng uy.

8. Siempre ililibing din ang aking urn. Ayaw ko nmang nakadisplay xa sa bahay, bka mabasag pa. Wawa nman ako at mawawalis lng na parang alikabok! ;(

9. During my libing, my mass din. Not necessarily in a church and not necessarily a Catholic. Basta siguradong madadasalan ang aking katawan at bka sakaling tanggapin ako sa langit. Hehe.

10. Before my libing, sa sementeryo, I want my friends and family to tell things about me. Bale testimonial ala friendster. Mas maganda if may graphics (Joke lng).

11. Lahat ng personal na gamit ko ay ilalagay sa isang glass na lalagyan at ililibing ksama ng aking urn. Glass para sosyal di agad maaapektuhan ng decomposition.

12. Sa kalahatan, ayaw kong maging malungkot ang mga tao sa aking pagkawala. Hayaan nu, magkikita din tau sa kabilang buhay, ahihi.

13. Gusto kong nakaukit sa lapida ko ang mga katagang:

In memoriam, Bona Abigail B. Hilario, 1981-????

– a writer, an artist, a comic, a leader, a worker (etc.)

– who loved us all, blessed us all, inspired us all.

Sobra ba sa pagkafeeling? Wahaha, hayaan nun na, kahit sa lapida man lang.

Heto muna for now. Wala na ako maisip eh. I will just make an update ‘pag may babaguhin ako o idadagdag. Gusto ko rin palang mamatay dahil sa sakit. Ung tipong my family expects that I am dying. At least, makapaghahanda ang pamilya ko. Mas mabilis kasi tanggapin ang death pag ganun. Sana hindi na maulit sa amin/ sa akin iyong nangyari ke mamang. Putchaks, unexpected sa lahat ng unexpected. Deep impact ang sakit which until now ay nanunuot pa rin sa puso ang sakit.

Did you have goosebumps? Because I just did. Hehe, death is really scary. And do you know that I am hoping that death is not masakit. I want to die in peace so I can rest in peace. Sa ngayon, while I am still alive, I want to celebrate life. Here is my favorite quote nowadays which is also my current shout out:

“I understood that life should be an experience to be lived up to, not survived through”.

Di nman xa gaanong nose bleeding noh? Buti naman. So tsk, relax lang, and be thankful for this gift called LIFE. I am blogging about death not to scare you (and pati na rin sarili ko) but to remind people that death is imminent    happens to everyone (alangan). Mabuti na ang handa. Minsan lng ito mangyari noh. (But Lord, inuulit ko i hope matagal-tagal pa un. Salamat po. Amen.)

Lately, i feel so useless. I am here in the office doing nothing, yet i am being paid. I have a contract until september 2008, for work i don’t know what yet. Don’t get me wrong, sure, i have my job description and my TOR (terms of reference). But what if you think that all the jobs you are supposed to do you have already done and what is left is the "whatever is assigned by the project coordinator" job. Now, that would remain you clueless - what to do next? Well, i still have reports to do but that is every quarter - so until it is not yet end of the quarter, you are again useless. Sigh. There are this "Bon, pls. assist me; pls. edit this; pls. do this for me"..but hell, these do not take much of my time, either. After, i am useless, again. Sigh.

Yeah i know, i should find other things to make my time productive. There is the internet for me to start of. Yeah, the internet provides me with Flyff, with friendster, with flickr, with youtube - hell yes, they are productive for me but that makes me unproductive for others. I have plenty of time for my self yet i am not satisfied. In fact, i am bored. Very. Bored and tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of seeing myself sitting infront of my Flatron monitor, with my officemates scurrying around, beating their deadlines. Yeah, i do help them once in a while, but still, these do not take much of my time, either. I do envy those people who seems to be preoccupied and treats times a god - so precious. I guess, i am a person who wants action, feeling the adrenaline rush, testing my limits.

I do not know if the place has got something to do with my state right now. I am in a 3rd class municipality with very few things to offer. No malls to unwind yourself, limited school curriculum to enroll yourself, no interesting sports/hobby to indulge yourself. Only tons of ukay to make yourself broke. This place is like a cage, that encloses me, that strains the life out of me. Or is it just the middle-aged crisis, huh. Don’t know what to do, don’t know where to go, yet hesitant to try something new and somewhere new.

My time is for sale or for lease. Do you want? Pls. contact me at this number 09193282639. Ha-ha. No, i am serious. Until, i still don’t know what to do with my time, you can hire me. Do you want me to kill someone? I’ll do it. That will take plenty of my time, planning my moves. Aw, that is a joke, the rests are not though. Tsk, i am getting stupid again. Clueless. Bored. Stupid. Wow, perfect. Waaaaah! Help!

Ngaung katatapos lng ng holy week and the Lord Jesus has once again resurrected from the dead, i myself is also planning to resurrect. Resurrect from my long silence, from my deep slumber, from my hibernation/dormant period. I am resurrecting and trying to revive my blog site that seems to be dead already ‘coz i seem to forget that i have one. Maybe, the cyberworld had a lot to offer me than blogging kaya nadisregard ko ito. My Friendster account is merely enough to express myself, though. Kaya nakakatamad na to put construct words into sentences, into paragraphs, into something nice to read. I just don’t know why i have this urge that had arisen from deep within me na gusto uling subukan ang blogging. Aysus, ang haba ng eksplanasyon ko. Maybe i realized that your pictures may say anything about you or merely looking at them can already explain what fun time you had, but still, written words are important to support your pictures and the memories.

Well, i started by changing the template and the design (i hope that it helps) of my once pink-laden blog although the effort was limited since the designs available are also limited. I went for the white design because I think that my mind is at peace right now. Thus, my blog design represents my state of mind at the moment. Just like my friendster layouts which i constanly change depending on my state of mind (thanks to friendster-layouts which is a very friendly site and its very trouble-free cut&paste code). Oh well, para na rin hindi boring sa paningin ko.

For the next days, i will try again to write here and let you enter my thoughts, once again. Although i think na ako lng nman nagbabasa nito. Anyway, it will also be good for me since most of the time, mabilis kong nakakalimutan kung gaano ako kasaya, kung gaano ako nainis o kung gaano ako nasaktan in certain situations. Reading a previous blog will remind me how (just like my bittersweet november blog from 2 years ago, whew, i didn’t know i was that eager to leave bxu then, wahaha).  Also, blogging they say provides relief. Sana. Sana. 

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly.  Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

           Source : from an email

Valentine’s Day is usually spent with your boyfrnd/girlfrnd but it’s a whole lot better when spent with family and friends at siyempre kasama din ang special someone mo.

We painted the Matina Town Square red-der last Feb 14/06. I am with my  best, macoy, denden & van, nasnips lyn2, ate aying and enjoy. A new friend was also with us, Rob from California who was destined to meet us para kahit papano, he will forget his heartache on a valentine’s day hehe. (he was scheduled to marry a filipina girl from kidapawan but days before the wedding, his bride was nowhere to be found. nag-ala julia roberts ang drama - runaway bride, haha).

Anyway, we had so much fun. After chilling out at Taboan, we danced like crazy at Impit Purok. Haha.. parang the end of the world is near kasi we really enjoyed ourselves to the max. The HILARIOus really knows how to have fun!

We went home at almost 3AM na. Tired, a lil drunk or tipsy pero masaya. That was a night to remember. So much stories to tell and so much pictures to relive the memories. Hmmm…

they are really pretty noh?. Especially in these photos Too bad, i am a girl too thus it is so disgusting to fantasize them in my dreams. Hahaha. 

PS. Got also a huge crush on Kate Beckinsale but hindi na masyado kasi masyado na siyang commercialized (read: exposed). Hahaha.